Family Solution - Disclosing Abuse From Inside

One of the hardest bits of news a family can hear is from within. To learn that a close relative you have understood all your life, a member of your family, has abused another, is dreadful. I understand because I have been on both sides of that coin, both declaring it to my own relatives and recieving the news. For the PTSD sufferer it is one of the bravest but most difficult steps towards recovery. By breaking the silence, unveiling the secret and putting your experiences and your soul out in the open for those you love most to question and hopefully understand, you're treating. The decision to tell family members that you just have PTSD - and perhaps more significantly, what the trauma which caused it was - is one that many sufferers agonize over.

What if they don’t believe me? I 'll create a rift in the family. I am upsetting the apple cart. So there’s no point causing all this heartbreak it’s in days gone by, -- these are just the beginnings of various trains of thought a sufferer is likely to go through when debating whether to ‘ tell ’ or not. It is hard when the perpetrator isn't an associate of the family, a buddy, maybe, in the instance of of sexual abuse. But when the abuser and the victim share the same family, it becomes a good deal more messy. Everyone understands what you as a survivor of abuse have been through, and once the naming and shaming of the abuser is out there, there’s no going back.

So, imagine if you’re the family member who’s merely been sat in a front room, having made a pot of tea, only to have the get together blasted into smithereens by granddaughter, your daughter, son, neice or nephew? They’ve not slept for weeks (PTSD plus the do-I, don’t-I argument), and now they’re quietly sitting with the teacup still shaking on its saucer, anxiously awaiting your answer.

Engage your brain before you speak. Your emotions are high, you don’t understand what to think, and the image of both the man who mistreated them and the individual in front of you has been shattered like glass on concrete. Blurting out “I don’t believe you perhaps trigger an emotional flashback, ” will ostricize the sufferer, cause them to doubt themselves and their recollections and make you the target of hurt, frustration and fury. Maybe you can’t accommodate the picture of the accused with the accusation, but that will not mean it didn’t happen. So, think before you speak and do n’t undermine the courage it took for the sufferer to tell you.

Second, please, do not go and begin a fight with the accused. It helps nobody, least of all the sufferer. Going over there and having it outside will lead to the abuser denying everything, retaliating, possibly assaulting the first casualty or yourself. The casualty has lost it, if there's evidence that could be used in legal proceedings should they follow.

Third, remember that ‘outing’ an abuser is extremely brave choice for the sufferer, and they'll be exhausted. A game of 20 questions is inappropriate right now! To have been trusted enough to learn they have suffered from abuse and developed PTSD because of it places you in a privileged place. Recall that, and attempt to refrain from child abuse disclosure asking about all the details of the abuse, the duration, if anyone else was involved, or the dreaded "why didn’t you tell us earlier?” Some of the answers won’t be clear to the sufferer (hint: specially the last one), and some of them hurt too much to talk about. Where you learn the facts of the trauma and the impact on the sufferer’s life since the time will come. Is n’t it.

Enough of the don't’s. What should you do? Listening is important; taking time to hear the sufferer is the best gift you'll be able to give them and being there. Perhaps the relief of having someone in the family understand will result in an outpouring of despair and emotion. Be there for them, and let them understand that you're available to discuss with, if and when they desire. Offer support and give them the safe space they'ven’t had to vent how they feel. On the flipside, the individual with PTSD might totally freak out and not need to say another word. Listening is still important in the silence. Make the person you love feel safe and supported and free to talk, or not discuss, not, or request help.

Do things that are ordinary with this person. Them having PTSD does not define them nor should it define your future relationship with them. Take them outside, invite them to meet-ups (without the abuser present) and appreciate them for who they're. As with lots of mental illnesses, sometimes socializing looks challenging, but even if you get dismissed or rejected, continue encouraging them while also letting them know it is okay for them not to join. Compassion and patience is the name of the game.

Also, look after yourself. Odds are the news has come as a shock, and you are now struggling with conflicting emotions regarding the abuser, particularly if you are close to them and knew them. It really is understandable to be confused and upset, so take a little time to process the info. Often it's helpful to talk to someone you know, about your feelings, such as a friend or counsellor. Getting an outside view from someone who doesn’t understand the abuser or the PTSD sufferer can be useful. It is not difficult to feel like anything you do or say will be wrong, but actually, you understand the folks involved and how exactly to speak to them. Trust instinct and that knowledge.

I am only able to speak from personal experience, but there’s a nugget or two of advice in this section to help you learn about the abuse that can happen within.